Mystery Master

Fake News

Michael Benson


This is obviously fake. Too bad fake news is not this easy to spot! Don't believe everything you see on the web. Unless it's from Mystery Master. Except for this article.

Wino

Trump's Winery Reigns Supreme

Trump owns the "No Regrets" winery in Charlottesville, VA. Trump is especially proud of his white wine, and constantly brags "My whites are better than the others." The tasting room is open during business hours, but is available whenever there is a "White Lives Matters" march. The fine folks who visit give this winery a 3-K rating.

Trump's white pairs well with putrid piles of anti-semitic rhetoric.


Shush

Loose Lips Sink Leadership

Candidate Trump loved leaks when they revealed secrets about his political opponents. Now President Trump loves to reveal secrets to anybody who will listen. Between brain-dead tweets and chest-puffing reveals to Russians, Trump keeps a secret the same way he keeps a promise - he can't.

Methods of revealing a secret: Telegraph, telephone, and tell-a-Trump.


Minions

Loyalty Pledge

President Trump has decided to passive-agressively replace his entire staff with minions. In a tweet, Trump pointed out that minions are incredibly loyal, not to mention they work for free. Though the minions do not speak English, Trump is a master communicator of the jibber-jabber.

Someone so despicable should have an army of minions.


Global Warming

How to Profit on Global Warming

Trump and his swamp buddies in the polluting business all agree that climate change caused by humans is a hoax. One anonymous donor stated: "The scientists may have their facts, but we have enough money to influence this president." When asked about his views on climate change, Trump tweeted "I foresee more business opportunities in ocean-front properties."

You can say that money "trumps" common sense.


Chicken

Trump's Most Favorite Sport? Draft DodgeBall

Instead of serving his country, Trump was able to receive five deferments from the draft during the Vietnam war. One was for college, and the others were for bone spurs in his heel, though he is not sure which heel was afflicted. To make matters worse, he has the audacity to put down people who did serve because they were either captured, of the wrong religion, or the wrong political party.

I wonder what his favorite animal is...


Doctor

Trump Has Multiple Social Diseases

As if tweeteritis wasn't bad enough, Trump has recently been diagnosed with "electile dysfunction". This ailment afflicts him everytime somebody speaks of "Hillary" around him. He still feels he did not "come out ahead", and shrinks into a small corner of his mind. He then tamtrum-tweets, exacerbating his tweeteritis.

Trump's doctor hasn't told him about his "executive disorder".


Taxman

Trump's Position on Tax Reform

President Trump tweeted his position on tax reform: "I feel the best way to extract the most money from the middle class is to grab the taxpayer by his ankles, power lift the individual so as his ankles are above your head, and vigorously shake until his pockets are empty." No word yet from the IRS.

When the tax man knocks on Trump's door, Trump's pockets are empty.


Statue of Liberty

Earn Trump Points to Enter USA

President Trump wants immigrants to earn points before they can visit Trumpland (aka USA). There are many ways immigrants can earn points: stay three or more nights at a Trump resort; play a round of golf at a Trump resort; "volunteer" to work a summer at a Trump resort. And your stay is virtually guaranteed if you invest $500,000 or more in a Trump resort. Start earning today!

Earn double-points as a Trump caddie - but you can't leak his golf score!


Milkman

Local Milk People

Trump voiced his concern about refugees to the Australian Prime Minister: "I hate taking these people. I guarantee you they are bad. That is why they are in prison right now. They are not going to be wonderful people who go on to work for the local milk people." The local milk people have responded "We are decent, diverse, hard-working people. Please do not ridicule those you do not know."

Breaking news: Trump is lactose-incompetent.


Golf

Golf of Trump

It seems the president's agenda consists of outrageous tweets and golfing cheats. Curiously, he does not tweet about his golf game. Perhaps he is too modest to brag about his incredibly low scores and consistently beautiful hole-in-ones that would put his predecessor to shame. In the words of Cake: "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps".

He is willing to call the Whitehouse a "dump" compared to his luxurious resorts.


Agent

Secret Service Must Pay to Protect Trump

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt protecting President Trump and his family. A man in black stated: "We pay exorbitant rent at the Trump Tower to closely monitor the President. You'd think he'd give us a "Protecting Yo Ass" discount. The final straw was when he tripled the rent this past month."

The Secret Service plans to outsource the President's security detail to ISIS.


Plumber

Swamp Drain Creates Whitehouse Cesspool

The next time Trump tries to "Drain the Swamp", he should instead call a plumber. After several complaints from Whitehouse visitors of a repugnant odor, investigators found all 35 bathrooms full of substances "vile and offensive". When asked how this happened, our "Head of Household" replied "I wanted to recycle the water."

Trump's rump humps Whitehouse dump.


Boy Scout

Dishonorary Leader of the Boy Scouts

After President Trump gave a speech more appropriate for his campaign rallies than scout troups, the Boy Scouts of America reminded him that a boy scout is: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

After consulting a thesaurus, Trump's response was "Witch Hunt!"


Pay Phone

Mexican Standoff

Candidate Trump promised that Mexico would pay for the wall between our countries. After taking office, President "Art of the Deal" Trump had an unproductive phone call with the President of Mexico. It seems no amount of pleading, begging, and crying could persuade Mexico to pay for this "Made in America" product.

Mexico says "No Way, Jose!"


Boy Scout

The Boy Scout Oath

In a "follow-up" phone call, President Trump was reminded of the Boy Scout Oath: On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.

That's two oaths Trump can't follow.


Cheese

Make America Grate Again

After a recent tweet by President Trump, Republicans dashed to upscale stores everywhere to buy cheese graters. Since Republicans had no idea how to use such a rudimentary tool, they hired low-paying kitchen staff to utilize this item that befuddled them.

Unemployment skyrocketed after the misspelling was corrected.


Witch

Witch Hunters Unite Behind Trump

Prominent witch hunters Hansel and Gretel have the president's back. The enchanting pair recently stated "Though we are not American citizens, armed with potions, MWDs, and green cards, we will hunt down and kill any witch that is after you. And don't even think of calling those arrogant Winchester brothers!"

So far, our intrepid hunters have not found any witches.
MWD = Methods of Witch Destruction


Surgeon

Beautiful Health Care

President Trump recently tweeted his new strategy for health care: "Instead of gutting health care, we will gut all patients of non-essential body parts." When pressed as to what body parts were considered non-essential, he carelessly replied "Any body part that is not good for the Republican party."

It appears that a logical mind will be the first thing to go.


K-9 WMD

Dogs Plot to Exterminate Mankind

Will man's best friend become our mortal enemy? General Kats "Cratch" Fervour released the following statement: "We have confirmed sightings of canines armed with WMDs capable of destroying our way of life. Now excuse me as I unleash our entire nuclear arsenal on these radicalized mongrels."

More on page K-9


Elephant

Big Game Hunter

A comedian posted a video of herself holding the head of an old elephant. People tweeted this was "Inappropriate", "Disgusting", "Upsetting", and "Dumb". But two head-hunting sons of a tycoon asked if they could mount the head. This just in! Our reporter's tweet was modified by spell-check!

During the unveiling, the boys cried out "Covfefe!"


Head Spinning

POTUS Decries News Media as Fake

POTUS tweeted that the news media publishes "fake news". Which means this story is false. Which means the news media does not publish "fake news." Which means what POTUS tweeted was true.

Which means it's okay if your head starts spinning.


Bully

CyberBully-In-Chief

FLOTUS has decided that cyber bullying does not exist. After careful deliberation, along with input from her husband, Melania Trump has concluded cyberbullying is a hoax. In the spirit of #MAGA, she will support another worthy cause.

Her new campaign is "More Bully in the Bully Pulpit".


Journalist

New Olympic Sport in 2020: Journalist Body-Slamming

Made famous by a recently elected representative from Montana, "Journalist Body-Slamming" will be unveiled in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games. One famous sumo wrestler in Japan was recently quoted as saying: "Journalist is perfect antagonist, and make squishy noise when crushed."

And you get bonus points for breaking their glasses.


Ned Tugent

Cannery Benefit Stars Ned Tugent

A Wisconsin cannery is staging it's 50th annual "Give Peas A Chance" benefit. And for the 50th year in a row it's headlined by "gonzo guitarist" Ned Tugent. Tasty Tidbit: The rocker was accidently caught on audio stating: "I'll give peas a chance when they pry my can opener from my cold dead hands."

Any relation to General Fervour?


POTUS

Out: Mar-a-Lago, In: Casa de Comunismo

POTUS will spend every weekend at his new resort next to the Moscow Kremlin. He recently told a Faux News reporter that "Long distance relationships are so taxing. Now I can mix business with pleasure and work on my Russian when I'm not tweeting." A moment later he gushed: "I'll tweet in Russian! I'm a tremendous multi-tasker!"

Plus, the Russians pinky swear not to wire-tap your phones.